The majority of Americans familiar with Tom Cruise’s enthusiastic adoption of Scientology have already written him off as a nutjob. And not just a mid-level nutjob that’s par for the Hollywood course, but the type of nutjob that talks to himself in the mirror, refers to himself in the third person, and probably eats his own cult-flavored boogers. While none of these traits can be officially confirmed, we know that Cruise has spent a boat load of money in order to rise to the second most powerful position in the Church of Scientology - money that could have been spent on something vastly more beneficial to America, like the production of Top Gun II or a high-end Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes sex tape called “Dawson’s Crack.”

As his public image has tarnished, Cruise’s last few films have bombed both at the box office and with critics, including my usually amenable mother. Still, Cruise continues to proclaim his undying devotion to Scientology, leaving the media to poke fun at him and the average American to scratch his/her head (while poking fun at him, of course). But perhaps America is too quick to pass judgement. Perhaps Cruise can explain his descent into nutjobocity. Perhaps one day he will cut the shit, renounce Scientology, and explain, with that same “Scientology has saved my life” grin on his face, that he was just messing with us, that he’s actually a semi-normal person. And so, for the sake of America, before we make complete asses out of ourselves, someone needs to ask Tom Cruise, once and for all, “are you serious?”

Tom Cruise has played an integral role in American cinema for the past twenty five years or so, ever since he showed us his tighty-whities in Risky Business and inspired high schoolers across the country to start brothels while their parents went away on vacation. Since then, he’s given America a slew of successful movies, made approximately a googabillion dollars in profit, and married the talented, “she looks like my little sister but I’ll romp her anyway,” Katie Holmes. It seems like Cruise had everything going so well for him - so why would he decide to switch gears and go bonkers? Why would he join a “religion” that is so staunchly opposed by the general American public and donate/waste so much of his money? And why, oh why, would he ever think it’s OK to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show and jump on her finely upholstered sofa? I mean, that sofa was linen, Tom. Let’s get serious.

Sure, it seems a little far-fetched that Tom Cruise has been screwing with America for the past few years, only pretending to be a complete lunatic. But isn’t it also far-fetched that he would intentionally disregard his reputation, give away millions of dollars, and divert his attention from making films that become cultural phenomenons, all for the sake of a religion that believes in aliens? But then again, maybe Tom Cruise didn’t join Scientology and become a jackass because he wanted to. Maybe - just maybe - the aliens told him to do it. For the sake of America, before we have all the facts clear and laid out in front of us, I’d suggest we keep an open mind.

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