The 80’s was a glorious decade for America. It brought Americans relative peace and prosperity, a booming economy, the rise of singer/songwriter/pedophile Michael Jackson, and of course, the fanny pack. Soon after hitting the American market, the fanny pack became a wardrobe staple - not only for Americans traveling on vacation, but for anyone with hips who knew how to work a zipper. Fanny packs were especially useful for carrying small objects, like a camera, a Rubik’s Cube, or a lady’s handgun. To this day, America has not seen a clothing item/accessory with as much practicality or utility as the fanny pack, with the possible exception of the edible bra. But unfortunately, Americans have attached a crippling stigma to the fanny pack - such that today, only waiters, meter maids, and douchebags ever dare to wear one.

America has become a country in which citizens are more concerned with the superficial appearance of things than how those things might improve their everyday lives. America’s obsession with the superficial is slowly degrading the higher ideals that America is supposed to embody - self-expression, individuality, and the right to wear neon. Before this degradation continues any further, America needs to band together as a collective country and re-embrace the fanny pack.

America is filled with very strong-minded citizens, and the reversal of a cultural standard, especially in regards to fashion, will not be an easy chore. However, once an initial wave of Americans embraces the fanny pack, other Americans will inevitably follow. It’s like a group of college students visiting Amsterdam for Spring Break: none of them are going to sleep with a prostitute until the first one does - and that’s when the STD party really begins.

As with eco-friendly cars, the initial adopters of the fanny pack are probably going to look pretty silly. However, the cost of a fanny pack is minimal ($15 or so), and the amount Americans can gain from the fanny pack is astronomical. In today’s technological age, not only does the fanny pack provide a secure place to store your iphone, ipod, blackberry, alternate cell phone, and ipod shuffle, but it’s a place to store your pride: as an owner of a fanny pack, you will know that you have taken a stand against America’s obsession with the superficial and in so doing, become a cultural hero. The 1980’s had Michael Jackson, but the 00’s have you.

Americans shouldn’t expect to wake up tomorrow and see everyone walking around with fanny packs. That’s simply not realistic. But maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, the time will come when you see a fellow American wearing a fanny pack and you won’t say to yourself, “Man, what a douchebag.” Instead, you will say, “Wow. Now that’s practical.”

Share