Over the past decade, many Americans have grown fond of owning the most obnoxiously huge car possible. At first this meant a large SUV, now it means a Hummer, and pretty soon it will mean a full-fledged US army tank that can transform into Optimus Prime. Astonishingly, American men who drive Hummers have yet to realize that their weiners have stayed the same size and the hair on their back has only grown thicker. The women Hummer drivers, meanwhile, have caused several thousand accidents in recent years, but were too busy saying stupid things on their cell phones to even notice.

Additionally, despite a growing awareness of global warming and the harm of carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions, Hummers are still selling like crazy. Hummer drivers are consuming inordinate amounts of gasoline, making America more dependent on foreign sources of oil, and contributing to the never-ending gang-rape of our own natural resources. Of course, America cannot ban Hummers entirely because we are a free country and many Hummer drivers are “patriotic” donors to our country’s most influential lobbyists. However, in order to curb our country’s Hummer buying mania, America needs to tax Hummer drivers for both their CO2 and douchebaggery emissions.

While the tax for CO2 emissions is relatively self-explainable, the latter warrants some additional discussion. Basically, when Americans drive around in their obnoxiously huge Hummers, they are not only emitting lots of carbon dioxide into the air, but high levels of douchebaggery. These high levels are dangerous for two reasons: first, they can piss fellow off Americans and instigate episodes of scattered and varied violence - such as road rage, the thrashing of tires, and someone taking a dump on your windshield while you’re shopping inside Whole Foods. Secondly, these high levels are sometimes contagious, and can potentially cause other Americans to “douche-up,” gel their hair, and drop 60k for a yellow Hummer of their own.

Although the tax for CO2 emissions can be easily regulated (a flat fee for owning a Hummer, for example), the tax for douchebaggery emissions is a little more tricky. After all, not every Hummer driver is equally annoying. Therefore, the tax will have be based on the Carson Daily Scale of Douchebaggery (CCSD): the more similar the driver is to Carson Daily, the more he/she is a douchebag, and in turn, the more tax will be levied. The CCSD has undergone diligent scientific testing over the years, and has less than a 1% margin of error.

At this stage, Hummers have become an ingrained component of American culture, and it’s not likely that a new tax will cause Hummers to disappear overnight. Moreover, we probably wouldn’t know for several years, perhaps a decade or so, whether the tax was truly effective. However, if at some point in the future Americans can walk outside their homes, take a breath of air, and not cough from the high levels of CO2 and douchebaggery, then the tax will have indeed served its purpose. Until that day arrives, all Americans can do is pray - and when possible, take dumps on the windshields of Hummers.

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