America has been the world’s melting pot for ages, a place where people from all walks off wife come for better education, greater individual freedoms, and superior lunch buffets at strip clubs across the country. America strives to treat all citizens with an equality of tolerance, regardless of their problems, so long as they are not acting with malice nor harming others. America does not punish alcoholics nor smelly people nor even Carson Daily fans for their misguided ways; rather, we try our best to understand them and help them feel integrated into our society.

However, such tolerance has been absent in our recent dealings with professional baseball players who use steroids. As opposed to accepting these men as overpaid meatheads who like to stick needles into their asses, we have rejected them entirely, banning many from Major League Baseball and seeking criminal litigation with others. Not only have these actions ensured a future of fewer homeruns and high scoring games, but they have failed to address the true problem at hand: some guys simply like sticking sharp things into their asses. And so, for the sake of America’s supposed value on tolerance, we must stop punishing Major League Baseball’s “cheaters,” and instead, create a league exclusively for players who use steroids.

Sure, there are many baseball purists out there who feel that players betrayed the game by using performance enhancing drugs. They contend that the league’s rules are perfectly clear and that those players who broke them should indeed be penalized. Although people of this perspective are not wrong by any means, I am sure that if we threw them a couple seasons tickets, an autographed ball by their favorite baseball team, and one night at a Motel 6 with Barry Bonds’ wife, they would stop complaining and go with the flow. After all, this is not just about protecting the sanctity of baseball; it’s about tolerating men who like to stick sharp things into their asses.

Of course, forming a major league designed for steroid users would carry several complications. Ballparks would probably need expansions, uniforms would need to be tailored for additional room, and the supply of steroids in America would need to be dramatically increased - that is, assuming that young kids and teenagers will follow their role models and start juicing themselves. However, all these complications are well worth the trouble of maintaining tolerance in America. And if any American disagrees, then they don’t belong in our country, and they should get the fuck out as soon as possible.

Share

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!