Americans are constantly being told how we are supposed to talk, walk, and of course, dress. Everywhere we go, there are advertisements with unnervingly attractive people on them, looking seductively into the camera with the unspoken words, “I’ll never sleep with you, but blow your money on me and try anyway.” Fashion in America has become increasingly homogenous over the past decades, to a point where even our “counter-culture” frequents apparel and salon boutiques - in order to get that “authentically” counter-cultural look. The “just got out of bed” hairdo, for example, now sometimes costs more than the actual bed. As fashion in America continues down this dark avenue, we are not only losing our power of self-expression, but with each sale at Urban Outfitters or at the local “Make Me Beautiful/Trendy/Ironic” Salon, a little piece of the American free spirit is dying. Thus, for the sake of America, in order to preserve the American free spirit, we desperately need more mullets.

Throughout the 1970s and even into the early 90s, the mullet was an important part of American culture. Not only did a mullet mark the undeniable coolness of an American, but it exemplified their free spirit: it’s like they didn’t even give a shit a rodent was on the back of their head. Americans who sported mullets were the heart and soul of our country, both the small time folks who quietly went about their mullet-infused business and the well-known cultural visionaries who changed the world forever, like David Bowie and Full House’s John Stamos (aka Uncle Jesse). If you’ll recall, even Captain Planet had a mullet.

Initially, many Americans would probably reject the idea of growing a mullet, for the mullet currently falls outside our culture’s current fashion norms. However, after a round of celebrity endorsements, and perhaps a few Full House marathons on TBS, I am sure these Americans will reconsider. Over time, moreover, Americans will come to understand that mullets are not simply for people who live in the 70s/80s/early 90s, families who live in trailer parks, or lesbians who are showing their softer side through six additional inches of hair. Rather, they will understand that mullets are for the free spirited, those who don’t act by saying, but by growing. Moreover, they will understand that as an American, in a time when our country’s fashion is becoming increasingly homogenous, it’s not only your privilege to grow a mullet, it’s your fucking civic duty.

Share

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!