In the past several years, ever since America started bombing the shit out of other countries and waving democracy around like a golden penis, we have lost a good deal of respect from countries around the world. Sure, many still hold us in high regard, but the tides are definitely changing. You know the fat kid in junior high who people watched pick his nose and then flick boogers onto classmates? Well, that’s basically America, except instead of boogers, we’re flicking shit that actually kills people. However, the answer to restoring America’s respect does not lie in more violence, nor diplomacy, nor even a quiet and gradual strategy of isolationism. Rather, we must figure out a way to communicate with the world on a deeper level, to shake countries at their very core and let them know that America means business. In other words, for the sake of America, we need Steven Seagal to raise his voice above a whisper.

Even though Steven Seagal has made fewer movies in recent years, his incomparable prowess as an actor has not waned a bit - and he’s still regarded as one of the world’s preeminent bad-asses. In fact, it is rumored that before presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee (R-AR) asked Chuck Norris to be his random 90s celebrity endorser, he had offered the gig to Steven Seagal, who allegedly “bitch-slapped” Huckabee for touching his pony-tail during the conversation. However, what’s truly amazing about Steven Seagal is that he’s been able to maintain such an extreme degree of bad-assness without ever using a voice that wasn’t suitable for a public library. Naturally, if Seagal chose to raise his voice above a whisper, the Michigan-born actor would not only command an unprecedented respect for himself, but for the country that made him into such a bad-ass in the first place, America. After all, if America produced a man so disgustingly worthy of respect, we’re obviously worthy of some respect, too.

Sure, we could wait a couple decades and hope that the world’s opinion of America will gradually shift back into place. We could even kiss ass to the right world leaders and give away hundreds of millions of dollars to the right causes, hoping to somehow speed up the process. However, why should we spend excessive time and/or money to restore our country’s respect when Steven Seagal can restore it with just one breath? Seagal will probably never win an Oscar in his lifetime, nor even some bullshit Nickelodean Kid’s Choice Award, but if he raises his voice above a whisper, believe me, I can almost guarantee he’s got a Medal of Honor in the bag.

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