America might be one of the most technologically and intellectually advanced countries in the world, but that does not mean we are without our share of conundrums. Day in and day out, we scratch our heads, full of stress, and face questions with limited answers on the horizon: how do we stop our mortgage crisis? What is the best way to end terrorism? How many weiners can fit inside Paris Hilton’s mouth at the same time? While such questions cause considerable stress to the average American, our country’s most persistent conundrum is not related to our economy, global affairs, nor even Paris Hilton’s oral capacity. Rather, it’s the utter complexity of our country’s most beloved and sacred organ, the vagina. Not only has this complexity screwed up countless romantic, spontaneous, and/or drunken experiences, but it has caused unparalleled stress to the American male public for the past googabiliion years or so. Thus, in order to solve this unfortunate conundrum once in for all, and relieve some of the stress that falls onto the American male’s shoulders, we desperately need God to invent vaginas that glow in the dark.

Obviously, God quit working many years ago, so it won’t be easy to get Him to re-invent the female anatomy. However, I am sure that if Americans can explain to Him the necessity of glow in the dark vajayjays, and perhaps get him to watch some of the awkward sex scenes from American Pie, then He would readily get off his cloud and make some anatomical revisions. Of course, if God absolutely refused to make the revisions, America could cut some sort of deal with a company that mass manufactures glow sticks.

If American women’s vaginas, by some miracle, began to glow in the dark tomorrow there would obviously still be some sexual awkwardness, stress in the lives of Americans (both male and female), and of course, a boat load of dudes who still can’t figure out where to stick their weiners. However, if and when vaginas start to glow in the dark, I’ll be the first one to thank God/the glow stick company for their intervention: my glow in the dark weiner has been lonely for way too long.

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