America is one of the most overweight countries in the world. Despite a recent movement over the past decade or so towards innovative diets (ie. The Atkins Diet, The South Beach Diet, bulimia), we continue to become more overweight by the minute. This unfortunate trend not only means more health concerns for overweight individuals, but more Americans who get pissed off when even fatter people sit next to them on airplanes, at baseball games, etc. In order to reverse this trend before it’s too late, America needs to take a stand against our country’s most delicious yet addictive foods, to unite behind a vision for a healthier future. But first, we need a leader to unite us, an American who understands the temptations of our country’s unhealthy and addictive foods, but with the fortitude to resist them. In short, America needs a Pringles chips fan who actually pops… then stops.

Although not every American has tried Pringles, it’s a well-documented fact that Pringles are virtually impossible to stop after “popping” has taken place. Aside from empirical evidence, all Pringles commercials explicitly promote the product’s addictiveness, and since these commercials appear on television, they obviously must be true. Certainly, if a Pringles fan is able to pop then stop, then he/she is well-suited to inspire and lead America to a healthier future.

Skeptics might say that one American does not possess the ability to change the course of our population’s eating habits. After all, even after Subway’s Jared Fogel lost half his weight eating turkey sandwiches, Americans continued to eat Big Macs - and to this day, many men still buckle their belts above their waists to create the illusion of “manginas.” However, I believe, like Barack Obama, that our country is ready for change. I believe that overweight people are sick of being overweight. I believe that when America finds someone who is capable of stopping soon after popping, it will not only be the beginning of the end of American obesity, but maybe, if we’re really lucky, perhaps Jared Fogel will shut up about Subway and enjoy his skinniness in private.

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