With great power, comes the great responsibility to not be a jackass. Unfortunately, America has not lived up to this responsibility in recent years, as illustrated by our commitment to blowing shit up in random countries and waving democracy around like a golden penis  (previously discussed here.) However, America not only struggles with being a jackass on a national level, but on an individual level, as well: when we have something positive in our lives, often something new and exciting, we tend to show it off and annoy the balls out of our fellow Americans. The result is a country filled not only with annoyed citizens, but a general laissez faire attitude towards being a jackass.

Before America can change this attitude, however, we must target the individual - we must strike at the core of America’s annoyance propagation. More specifically, in order to make America a less annoying place to live, we  need i-phone owners to put away their i-phones.

Sure, every red-blooded American admires or at least respects the i-phone: they’re sleek, they’re multi-functional, and according to my friends who are truly obsessed with their i-phones, they’re also really good kissers. However, the majority of i-phone owners, particularly in the months following the initial purchase, epitomize American “jackassocity.” Not only are they incapable of keeping their i-phones in their pockets, but they insist on demonstrating the same things every other i-phone owner has already shown us. “Look! I have i-tunes!” “Look! I can pinch the screen and make everything smaller!” “Hey! Check out my wallpaper! It’s Steve Job’s penis.”

I certainly don’t think it will be easy to convince i-phone owners to put away their i-phones. It’s very much like asking a stripper with new implants to put on a cardigan: why the hell would they ever want to cover up their most prized possession(s)? However, for the sake of America, and for the noble quest of curbing our country’s “jackassocity,” let’s hope i-phone owners will yield to reason - if not, we might have to throw in some strippers to sweeten the deal.

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