Given the current state of the American economy (in technical terms, “poop”), many Americans have been forced to make concessions - we don’t travel as much, we don’t eat out as many times a week, etc. etc. etc. However, according to an informal study conducted amongst my closest friends, Americans are still visiting gentlemen’s clubs with the same frequency as always. Moreover, we are continuing to spend vastly more money than we can afford, perhaps helping American business/the economy in some justifiable way, but hurting the individual gentleman/gentlewoman in the short term. Thus, for the sake of America, and the economic betterment of the individual American, we need strippers to start accepting quarters.

Although many Americans, such as my mother, might contend that we shouldn’t support gentlemen’s clubs in first place, I believe we must accept them as an inevitable part of our culture. If we can tolerate Carson Daily’s stand-up routine, Donald Trump’s toupee, this endless wait for a Hillary Clinton nipple slip, then we should not only tolerate gentlemen’s clubs, but we should do our best to aid their patrons - I mean, what’s more American than loving boobies?

Of course, aiding the patrons of gentlemen’s clubs might potentially be destructive to the strippers themselves. After all, if patrons are allowed to put quarters, not just dollar bills, into strippers’ g-strings, doesn’t this mean that the strippers (not to mention the clubs) will ultimately make less money? Additionally, wouldn’t spare change be slightly degrading? While these concerns are indeed valid, one must remember that strippers - even American strippers - simply love being naked and do not ever worry about issues like income and self-respect. So long as they can dance around naked and have drunk, horny Americans stare at their boobies, they will - I’m fairly certain on this one - be eternally happy.

I am not saying Americans will reap a drastic financial advantage when strippers start accepting quarters. I am not even saying the advantage will be noticeable for the majority of the population. However, my friends and I have been trying to give quarters to strippers for ages, and to be honest, we’re pretty sick of them throwing the quarters back into our faces - it hurts like hell and it’s a bit humiliating, as well. And so, if not for yourself, if not for America, the please support strippers accepting quarters for me and my friends - we’d really appreciate it.

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