America loves our celebrities - even the crazy ones who shave their heads, endanger the lives of their children, and show their nether regions, on a fairly consistent basis, when getting out of cars. However, although we purport to value our celebrities as individuals, this is a far cry from the truth - we tend categorize them, primarily because the American brain can only handle so much complexity. (The current Democratic presidential contest, as a parallel, isn’t about Obama v. Clinton, but rather “a nice guy who likes hope” v. “a woman with experience and most likely, a vagina.”) Given this limitation, it is unfortunate that two of our country’s most influential celebrities, Bruce Springstein and Tony Danza, are categorized in such conflicting ways - resulting in widespread confusion across America. Moreover, in order to erase this confusion, and clarify the identities of these two fine celebrities, America needs Bruce Springstein and Tony Danza to finally decide who’s the “Boss.”

Since Springstein and Danza have both made tremendous impacts on America in their careers, it will not be easy for either of them to concede the title “Boss.” In fact, it will be pretty damn near impossible - more difficult than all those times Tony fought the urge to sleep with Angela because he knew it would dramatically complicate their relationship. Additionally, it is conceivable that diehard Springstein/Danza fans wouldn’t accept their respective idol’s concession, even if he was given a cool substitute title like “Chief,” “Sensei,” or “Tiger Heart.” However, both Springstein and Danza are well aware of the confusion their conflicting categorization has created, and America will be much better off when this confusion is eliminated.

Certainly, it would take time for many Americans to accept that Springstein or Danza is no longer the “Boss” - just like it took time to accept that Americans are allowed to imagine the Olsen twins naked and not feel guilty about it. But in the long run, America will be a less confused country, and Springstein and Danza will stop responding at the same time when people ask “Who is the Boss?” Trust me, that’s always uncomfortable.

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