My fellow Americans: I spoke too soon. In yesterday’s Shit America Needs, I pre-maturely stated that Americans are able to imagine the Olsen Twins naked and not feel guilty about it. After receiving floods of e-mails from family members, ultra right wing “Full House” fans, and an assortment of e-douchebags who nitpick everything on the Internet, I realized my unfortunate mistake. However, for the edification of your humble narrator, and those more liberal-thinking “Full House” fans in our glorious country, America needs someone to decide, once and for all, when we can imagine our favorite celeb twins getting their full houses rocked - and not feel guilty about it.

Perhaps this day will not come anytime soon. If Google search results are any indication, we’re totally screwed - “Olsen Twins Side Boob,” believe it or not, despite all their recent scantily clad outfits, only comes up with five entries. Personally, I was hoping for something closer to hmmm… I don’t know… let’s say a billion. However, until the day that the Olsen twins’ nudity is no longer taboo, and the Google SERPs for their “side boob” crack at least double digits, we must try not to offend our fellow Americans. If, however, you do offend your fellow Americans, as I did in yesterday’s article, simply shrug your shoulders, smile an innocent smile, and squeak out Ashley/Mary Kate’s famous catchphrase: “Don’t have a cow, dude.” And here’s a further tip - when you squeak out the catchphrase, try not to imagine the twins milking the cow without their tops on. That’s just dirty.

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