Ever since the outbreak of e.coli at Wendy’s in the 90s, America’s trust for our fast food industry has plummeted. For a while, even some of America’s fattest and least disciplined citizens were ordering single cheeseburgers instead of doubles and triples. Some even ordered chicken nuggets. And of course, those radical studies which claimed that fast food was “bad for you” and “could increase cholesterol levels” didn’t help the situation. Moreover, this sort of negative PR, which continues to this day, will inevitably kill the industry - unless the industry does something drastic. Thus, for the sake of America, and for the industry that makes us fatter (aka more American) by the minute, we need the Burger King to finally admit he’s a rapist.

Sure, the health concerns associated with fast food are extremely important to American consumers. However, it is particularly difficult to support, much less trust, one of our country’s premier fast food establishments when it’s so obvious that their mascot is a rapist. America traditionally hates all rapists, even those hot female teachers who “take advantage of” their junior high students, so how can we possibly be expected to eat a rapist’s hamburgers?

Naturally, if the Burger King were to admit he’s a rapist, there would be a dramatic outcry from both fat Americans and skinny Americans alike. However, so long as the King continues lurking in the shadows and smiling for no apparent reason, the fast food industry will never have its trust restored. Of course, I’m assuming that Burger King’s subsequent mascot would not also be a closeted rapist.

Who knows? Maybe I’m blowing the situation out of proportion. Maybe I’m overreacting. But personally, I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to discover the King standing above me and a giant, hot whopper in my face.

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