In a recent Shit America Needs article, I spoke about some unfortunate examples of America’s sexual conservatism - a limited number of nude beaches, harsh penalties against indecent exposure, and the crippling stigma that’s attached to hooking up with one’s hot relatives. However, America’s sexual conservatism sometimes doesn’t go far enough nor does it always extend in the right directions. Most notably, America has neglected to address the problem of banana hammocks on public beaches, those men who flaunt their ding dongs and give bystanders an unwanted approximation of their size/dimensions. Not only are these men an offense to their immediate bystanders, but they haunt every American who has ever seen their banana hammock and later failed to erase the image from their minds. Thus, for the sake of America, in order to stop the spread of banana hammocks before its too late, we need a punch in the balls for all American men who wear banana hammocks at the beach.

Although supporters of the banana hammock might contend that bystanders can always look in the other direction, this argument is as limp as the bulge in their hammocks. When any red-blooded American sees something out of the ordinary, whether it be a car crash, a female comedian who tells a funny joke, or a man wearing a lady’s bathing suit, we can’t help but stare. Perhaps this doesn’t apply as much to foreign countries, but Americans are nosy, gawking individuals, and thus different hammock etiquette applies. On another note, it might seem contrarian to support nude beaches yet oppose banana hammocks. On nude beaches, after all, bananas can hang without their hammocks. However, nude beaches provide enough “out of the ordinary” scenery such than any glimpse of a plain banana is counter-balanced by more appealing fruit - principally, melons. Therefore, when Americans go to sleep the night after visiting a nude beach, they aren’t simply thinking about bananas, but more likely, a pleasant fruit medley.

Of course, it would be difficult to ensure that every American man who wore a banana hammock would indeed get a punch in the balls. It’s also unlikely that every man who got punched would later choose to wear a more practical bathing suit. However, even if only a few of them chose to retire their hammocks, this venture would be well worth our effort. And so, I plead: the next time you see an American man wearing a banana hammock at the beach, don’t even try looking away; for me, for yourself, and for future Americans who might cross paths with that banana hammock in the future, please just punch him in the balls.

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