Does anybody else remember the good old day of American sports, before they lost their innocence? Basketball players used to have socks up to their knees, boxers never even dreamed about wearing headgear, and football players could beat their wives without any fear of criminal prosecution. Nowadays, however, our professional athletes are greedy sons of bitches, driven by fame, money, and more often than not, steroids. In order to combat this trend before American sports are ruined forever, we need to restore the innocence of the bygone days. More specifically, we need to create a major league for mini golfers.

Although not every American is necessarily a mini golf enthusiast, the sport is widely associated with the sort of innocence that we need to reclaim. From the outset, the league would attract players that did not take themselves too seriously, individuals who simply putt for the love of putting. Of course, assuming that many of America’s youth would become professional mini golfers, there would need to be a rigorous screening process to weed out sore losers, hissy fitters, and last but not least, pedophiles.

Naturally, it’s possible that America would not take the league seriously enough, and it could dissolve soon after it was formed. Moreover, perhaps the league would turn out to be a tremendous waste of money and never influence professional sports to any degree. However, if America is capable of stomaching the WNBA for more than a decade, I must ask: could a professional mini golf league really be such a disaster?

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