American culture is largely defined by our technology - we watch television constantly, we can’t leave the house without our ipods and iphones, and who knows the last time an American had sex with their partner without the use of a battery operated device. With the growth of technology, moreover, literature in America has taken a back seat, and we have become progressively stupider. So stupid, in fact, that we commonly adapt our country’s best selling novels into pornographic films, such as the 2002 indie hit “Harry Twatter.” But in order to restore our intelligence, we must re-evaluate our literary canon within the context of today’s culture. After all, if Americans can’t respect literature, how are we ever going to learn from it? Thus, for the sake of America, as the first step to restoring our respect for literature, we need Herman Melville’s classic novel to be retitled “Moby Richard.”

As it stands, no red-blooded American can honestly read Melville’s novel and keep himself/herself from laughing. Sure, we can “practice restraint” and “try to be mature,” but at the end of the day, the word “dick” is simply hilarious - and only a superhero or a Nazi wouldn’t giggle when they read it. Of course, this is particularly unfortunate because Melville’s novel is said to be very well-written and educational - the perfect vehicle to put literature back into the forefront of American culture. So why, oh why, would we ever want to throw away the book’s import with an immature (yet hilarious) word like “dick?” Seems pretty stupid, if you ask me.

But who knows? Perhaps changing the title from “Moby Dick” to “Moby Richard” wouldn’t make Americans want to read again. Perhaps Americans would still think the word “Richard” is funny because it reminds them of the word “dick.” And what’s more, even if we did start to read again, maybe we’d discover that our stupidity was too advanced for any degree of reversal. However, even if only one American were able pick up Melville’s novel and make it past the first page without laughing, then I’d say a retitling is in order. After all, I hear it’s a pretty good book - even better than the pornographic adaptation (coincidentally, also named “Moby Dick”).

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