Americans are, for the most part, self-centered assholes. We cut people off on the highway, we don’t flush toilets after we’ve used public restrooms, and at some point in our lives, we’ve all chopped off our friend’s eyebrows and eyelashes while they were sleeping, simply for a five minute chuckle. This self-centeredness also applies to foreign affairs - as illustrated time and time again, and most recently with that cyclone disaster in that random country nobody has ever really heard of. Maybe I’m going out on a limb, but I believe this self-centeredness is partially why the rest of world hates America with such vigor.  Thus, for the sake of America, and to bolster our national image in the eyes of the world, we need more Americans to pretend they care about foreign affairs.

Of course, most Americans have more important things to worry about than those 25,000 (or more) people who died in last week’s cyclone or the tens of thousands who are dying in Africa every year. And perhaps this isn’t the best time to galvanize the American public, what with an exciting NBA playoff season and Hannah Montana’s scandalous photo shoot currently captivating our attention. However, sooner or later, Americans need to start caring, or at least pretending to care, about the horrible shit other countries are facing. If not, we’re going to continue looking like assholes, and no new president, regardless of how black, old, or vagina-bearing he/she is, will change the situation for us.

At the end of the day, I’m not asking for Americans to become better people. Hell, I’m not even asking us to pretend to be better people. However, the next time you hear that 25,000 (or more) people have suddenly died in a foreign country, at least lower the volume on your NBA playoff game and say “Damn, that sucks.” You can then resume watching the game.

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