America is filled to the brim with show-offs - dudes who drive tricked-out cars with diamonds in the grill, chicks who get breast enhancements with the goal of blue-balling bystanders, and of course, those over-controlling, douchebag parents with bumper stickers that read “My son/daughter is an honor roll student” (Reality check, Moms and Dads. Your son/daughter is probably also suicidal.) But to be honest, the individual American isn’t to blame.

Rather, we should point our fingers, as we often do, at our country’s music industry - for it has consistently promoted and rewarded one egotistic show-off after another. What’s more, if the music industry got America into this mess, it’s their responsibility to get us out. Thus, for the sake of America, we need MC Hammer, whose hit song “Can’t Touch This” set the tone for an industry of show-offs, to finally let someone touch it.

Although recent years have given rise to shit loads of rappers with nothing to offer except a swagger, a few pounds of bling, and hodgepodge of STDs, “Can’t Touch This” cemented the Hammerman’s place at the top of the show-off pyramid. The popularity of the song not only inspired many Americans to try and touch the Hammerman (at concerts, at charity events, even through the television screen), but it directly led to the growth of a show-off culture - to a point where even fat chicks began thinking they were desirable, many of whom constructed wardrobes that revolve around ill-fitting tube tops and gold necklaces that spell out their names.

I am not saying that MC Hammer was wrong to tell Americans that they couldn’t touch it - after all, the “it” belongs to the Hammerman and nobody else. However, if he let down his guard just once and finally let someone touch it, then maybe Americans would follow his lead and stop being such obnoxious show offs. Then, we could concentrate on more important things - like figuring out whether we can find MC Hammer’s ridiculous clothes on Ebay.

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