#40 A Limit On The Number of Collars That Douchebags Can Pop Each Year
My fellow Americans, the rise of our douchebag population is out of control. Not only do we see an increasing number of douchebags in our news and politics, but the signs of douchebaggery are everywhere – elevated sales of men’s hair gel, more tanning salons popping every day, and of course, the fact that Carson Daly, a douchebag amongst douchebags, still hasn’t been assassinated. However, in order to stop the rise of douchebaggery in America before it’s too late, we need to hit the douchebags where it hurts them most. Thus, for the sake of America, and preserving a culture that’s semi-tolerable, we need to place a limit on the number of collars that douchebags can pop each year.
Although such a limit might be difficult to enforce, it would most certainly ensure the gradual demise of the douchebag population. After all, if douchebags were not able to communicate their level of douchebaggery through their number of popped collars (nor inspire potential douchebags of the future), their douchebag identities would be jeopardized. Chaos, in turn, would set in amongst the entire douchebag population.
Certainly, they might find other ways to communicate, athletic bands on the forearm for example, but by the time they re-grouped, the potency of their douchebaggery would be severely fractured. Plus, douchebags are notorious for having limited to no problem-solving abilities.
Many might argue that America faces greater problems than the rise of our douchebag population. And while I can’t entirely disagree, I must ask for Americans to be sensitive to those whose lives have been directly affected by douchebags – parents whose children have become douchebags, siblings who have witnessed a brother become a douchebag, and of course, those unfortunate Americans who have become douchebags without even realizing it.
Who knows? Maybe those dissenters are right. Maybe America should be spending all of our time fixing our economy and dealing with our image/problems in the world system. However – and forgive me for being blunt – what’s the point of securing a “better America,” if our country becomes overrun by douchebags?
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2 Comments, Comment or Ping
douchebag1
As a huge douchebag, I am thoroughly offended.
Jun 11th, 2008
yara
If you pop so much as one collar a year, you lose in my book.
Jun 11th, 2008
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