America is full of people with extremely confused identities. Some people struggle all their lives to figure out what defines them – do I believe in God or not? Am I straight or a homosexual? Am I mentally retarded or just kinda an idiot? Given these struggles, it’s only American to support all those who have figured out their identity, even when that identity is somewhat harmful to their well-being. Moreover, we’re obligated to make these people feel as comfortable as possible. Thus, in the spirit of patriotism and acceptance, and the upcoming July 4th holiday, America needs to create a breath mint specifically designed for bulimic people.

While many might instinctually feel that bulimia is something that America should discourage, we must not consider it solely as a disease, but also, as an identity. In a country where millions of young men and women grow up without any clue as to what makes them who they are, do we really have the right to tell bulemics they can’t do the one thing that they truly love, the one thing gets them through the day – throwing up? Personally, I pray that America could never be so selfish. That said, we must do everything in our power to make bolemics feel as comfortable in their identities as possible. And since their breath is pretty fucking disgusting, on account of throwing up all the time, we should create a breath mint that’s designed specifically for them. Although an entire box of Altoids could possibly do the trick, that quickly gets expensive, and I’m sure bolemics don’t really want to carry around any financial pressure. After all, they wouldn’t be bolemic if they weren’t already depressed.

Of course, bolemia isn’t exactly the best identity that one could choose. But if America wants to act like the tolerant country that we purport to be, then creating a breath mint for bolemics should be more than an obligation - by golly, it should be our pleasure. Besides, who likes talking to a bolemic after they’ve thrown up? Not only is it disgusting, but it kinda makes the other person want to throw up, as well – and I’m pretty sure that’s how the cycle of bulemia gets started.

Share

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!