When the hell did Americans decide to care so much about their appearances? Some might say it was when Eve took a bite of the apple, others when Paul Mitchell came out with his first revolutionary line of hair products, and some, believe it or not, might contend it happened when Rosie O’Donnell appeared in her first movie and we thought to ourselves, “Fuck, I want to kill me an ugly person.” Regardless of when it happened, however, I am personally sick of our country’s superficial tendencies – not only because they prevent me from sleeping with hot chicks, but because they’re degrading to the moral depth of our country’s character. Thus, before it’s too late, and our whole citizenry becomes a bunch of shallow assholes, we need to start making fools of ourselves, we need to exercise humility. America, in short, needs more people to close their eyes in photographs.

Although many a shallow asshole might think closed eyes in a photograph is a terrible foix pas, they could not be further from the truth. In fact, when people make the conscious decision to close their eyes in a photograph, they are not only exercising great humility, but they are giving something for all of their friends to laugh at later down the line (unless, of course, their friends are shallow assholes). Sure, maybe an individual looks like a bit of choch face with his/her eyes closed, but at least that choch face is contributing to a better America.

Look, I’m not saying that closing your eyes in a photograph is appropriate for everyone. But if you care about your country, or if your either drunk or Asian, it shouldn’t be too much to ask. (Disclaimer: I love patriots, drunks, and more than anything else in the world, Asians.)

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