Given the current state of the American economy (in technical terms, “poop”), many Americans have been forced to make concessions - we don’t travel as much, we don’t eat out as many times a week, etc. etc. etc. However, according to an informal study conducted amongst my closest friends, Americans are still visiting gentlemen’s clubs with the same frequency as always. Moreover, we are continuing to spend vastly more money than we can afford, perhaps helping American business/the economy in some justifiable way, but hurting the individual gentleman/gentlewoman in the short term. Thus, for the sake of America, and the economic betterment of the individual American, we need strippers to start accepting quarters.

Although many Americans, such as my mother, might contend that we shouldn’t support gentlemen’s clubs in first place, I believe we must accept them as an inevitable part of our culture. If we can tolerate Carson Daily’s stand-up routine, Donald Trump’s toupee, this endless wait for a Hillary Clinton nipple slip, then we should not only tolerate gentlemen’s clubs, but we should do our best to aid their patrons - I mean, what’s more American than loving boobies?

Of course, aiding the patrons of gentlemen’s clubs might potentially be destructive to the strippers themselves. After all, if patrons are allowed to put quarters, not just dollar bills, into strippers’ g-strings, doesn’t this mean that the strippers (not to mention the clubs) will ultimately make less money? Additionally, wouldn’t spare change be slightly degrading? While these concerns are indeed valid, one must remember that strippers - even American strippers - simply love being naked and do not ever worry about issues like income and self-respect. So long as they can dance around naked and have drunk, horny Americans stare at their boobies, they will - I’m fairly certain on this one - be eternally happy.

I am not saying Americans will reap a drastic financial advantage when strippers start accepting quarters. I am not even saying the advantage will be noticeable for the majority of the population. However, my friends and I have been trying to give quarters to strippers for ages, and to be honest, we’re pretty sick of them throwing the quarters back into our faces - it hurts like hell and it’s a bit humiliating, as well. And so, if not for yourself, if not for America, the please support strippers accepting quarters for me and my friends - we’d really appreciate it.

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Isn’t there already enough peer pressure in America without our country’s biggest athletic apparel manufacturer telling consumers to “Just Do It?” I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s how suicides and circle jerks happen – outside forces making people act without rationale or deliberation. Before it’s too late, America needs to make Nike drastically reconsider their slogan in favor of a more self-empowered way of thinking.

America is supposed to represent a beacon of freedom and opportunity. America is supposed to be a place where people can pave their own paths in life without fear of reprimand or repudiation for their individuality (except, of course, if they smell bad or have unibrows). How can this be the case when our leading athletic apparel manufacturer encourages such a narrow-minded approach to purchasing their products? They are blatant opponents of comparison shopping, a hallmark of the American shopping experience. When I walk into any Outback Steakhouse in America, for example, they don’t tell me what type of steak to order; they tell me that there are absolutely “no rules,” and that everything is “just right.”

Sure, Americans can understand Nike’s desire to make the most money possible. After all, there’s only one thing Americans love more than money: mo’ money. But still, shouldn’t Nike try explaining the merits of Nike rather than simply telling Americans to “Just… [buy]… It?” Their whole marketing strategy is completely out of whack with the ideals of the American shopping experience.

Yes, it’s true that Nike’s slogan has been around for many years, and that the majority of the company’s production takes place overseas, but that doesn’t make this problem any less urgent. America is in a very fragile state at the moment, with a downtrodden economy and multiple wars being waged overseas - and we can’t afford to let a home-grown company degrade our intellectual/commercial freedoms.

If America wants to remain at the top of the global system, we need to seriously reconsider the message that Nike is sending to the American public. Are we a society of creative, free-thinking individuals, or do we do everything we are told to “just do?” For the sake of America, let’s hope it’s the former. After all, the last thing we need is more suicides and circle jerks.

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