America is full of people with extremely confused identities. Some people struggle all their lives to figure out what defines them – do I believe in God or not? Am I straight or a homosexual? Am I mentally retarded or just kinda an idiot? Given these struggles, it’s only American to support all those who have figured out their identity, even when that identity is somewhat harmful to their well-being. Moreover, we’re obligated to make these people feel as comfortable as possible. Thus, in the spirit of patriotism and acceptance, and the upcoming July 4th holiday, America needs to create a breath mint specifically designed for bulimic people.

While many might instinctually feel that bulimia is something that America should discourage, we must not consider it solely as a disease, but also, as an identity. In a country where millions of young men and women grow up without any clue as to what makes them who they are, do we really have the right to tell bulemics they can’t do the one thing that they truly love, the one thing gets them through the day – throwing up? Personally, I pray that America could never be so selfish. That said, we must do everything in our power to make bolemics feel as comfortable in their identities as possible. And since their breath is pretty fucking disgusting, on account of throwing up all the time, we should create a breath mint that’s designed specifically for them. Although an entire box of Altoids could possibly do the trick, that quickly gets expensive, and I’m sure bolemics don’t really want to carry around any financial pressure. After all, they wouldn’t be bolemic if they weren’t already depressed.

Of course, bolemia isn’t exactly the best identity that one could choose. But if America wants to act like the tolerant country that we purport to be, then creating a breath mint for bolemics should be more than an obligation - by golly, it should be our pleasure. Besides, who likes talking to a bolemic after they’ve thrown up? Not only is it disgusting, but it kinda makes the other person want to throw up, as well – and I’m pretty sure that’s how the cycle of bulemia gets started.

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In my recent article about the decline of America’s fast food industry, I laid blame on Burger King (and their rapist mascot) for losing the trust of the American consumer. Soon after the post was published, I received a flood of e-mails from both BK fans and rapists from the around country, proclaiming that McDonald’s was also to blame for the state of America’s fast food industry. Although I was a little shaken by those e-mails which ended with the words “p.s. I want to rape you,” I eventually came to realize my shortsightedness - McDonald’s, just like BK, has totally screwed up in the trust department.

More specifically, their catchy slogan and slick advertising has made getting fat seem fun for almost seventy years. The result is a huge population of Americans who might be addicted to McDonald’s food, but are too fat and angry (about their fatness) to support the company, much less the industry. Thus, for the sake America and our fast food industry, and to restore trust with the American consumer, McDonald’s needs to change their slogan to something drastically more honest - for example, “C’mon, You’re Fat Anyway.”

Although this new slogan would certainly not encourage more Americans to start gorging on McDonald’s, America already has an ample supply of fat people. At this point, moreover, McDonald’s is best served by concentrating on these pre-existing fat people and winning back their support - after all, if only a few of America’s fattest people continued eating McDonald’s, or even Queen Latifah by herself, McDonald’s would still turn a profit and prosper for years to come.

The American public is tired of people lying to us - our parents, our politicians, and of course, our fast food companies. We simply want to be recognized for who and what we are: fat. Very, very fat. Moreover, if McDonald’s would respect this desire by changing their slogan to “C’mon You’re Fat Anyway,” the results would be significant. They would not only win back the trust of their fat American customers, but with a little luck, they could revitalize the reputation of the entire fast food industry.

In closing, just like the gays, Americans are fat and proud. It’s about time that the fast food industry got used to it.

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Ever since the outbreak of e.coli at Wendy’s in the 90s, America’s trust for our fast food industry has plummeted. For a while, even some of America’s fattest and least disciplined citizens were ordering single cheeseburgers instead of doubles and triples. Some even ordered chicken nuggets. And of course, those radical studies which claimed that fast food was “bad for you” and “could increase cholesterol levels” didn’t help the situation. Moreover, this sort of negative PR, which continues to this day, will inevitably kill the industry - unless the industry does something drastic. Thus, for the sake of America, and for the industry that makes us fatter (aka more American) by the minute, we need the Burger King to finally admit he’s a rapist.

Sure, the health concerns associated with fast food are extremely important to American consumers. However, it is particularly difficult to support, much less trust, one of our country’s premier fast food establishments when it’s so obvious that their mascot is a rapist. America traditionally hates all rapists, even those hot female teachers who “take advantage of” their junior high students, so how can we possibly be expected to eat a rapist’s hamburgers?

Naturally, if the Burger King were to admit he’s a rapist, there would be a dramatic outcry from both fat Americans and skinny Americans alike. However, so long as the King continues lurking in the shadows and smiling for no apparent reason, the fast food industry will never have its trust restored. Of course, I’m assuming that Burger King’s subsequent mascot would not also be a closeted rapist.

Who knows? Maybe I’m blowing the situation out of proportion. Maybe I’m overreacting. But personally, I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to discover the King standing above me and a giant, hot whopper in my face.

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With the obvious exception of the Iraq War, Americans are a very well prepared people - mothers always carry extra baby wipes, douchebags always pack condoms in their wallets and glove compartments, and Calista Flockheart (aka Ally McBeal) always puts sandbags in her jacket before going outside on a windy day. However, Americans have also come up short on the condiment front - particularly unfortunate because we love eating and throwing unnecessary/fattening shit on top of our food. To be honest, it’s reached a point where Americans can no longer pull up to a fellow American’s car, and ask: “pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?” with even a slight chance of an affirmative answer. Moreover, it’s likely the other American will laugh in your face. Thus, for the sake of America’s eating betterment, and to help re-instate condiments into our culture, we need more Americans to carry Grey Poupon in their cars.

Many Americans do not understand the importance of condiments, regardless of how frequently they use them. However, the fact remains that condiments mean more calories, which yields fatter people, who, by virtue of their fatness, embody the American way. In other words, by not supporting condiments, particularly the more fattening ones like Grey Poupon, you are spitting in the face of patriotism. America, after all, is not a place for skinny people who question our country’s eating habits; it’s a place where a man can take a bath in ketchup, lick himself clean, and feel good about himself in the morning.

Even though Grey Poupon is originally a product of French culture, America has re-appropriated it as our own. However, if more Americans do not start carrying Grey Poupon in their cars, it might very well slip from our culture, much like it slipped from theirs. Maybe you think it’s ridiculous to ask a fellow American: “pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?” Maybe you aren’t even a huge fan of mustard in the first place. Whatever. I won’t fault on either account. However, next time you’re sitting in traffic with a dry hot dog on your lap, please. Do me a favor. Don’t even think about asking me to roll down my window. I’ve already told you to get your own Poupon.

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America is one of the most overweight countries in the world. Despite a recent movement over the past decade or so towards innovative diets (ie. The Atkins Diet, The South Beach Diet, bulimia), we continue to become more overweight by the minute. This unfortunate trend not only means more health concerns for overweight individuals, but more Americans who get pissed off when even fatter people sit next to them on airplanes, at baseball games, etc. In order to reverse this trend before it’s too late, America needs to take a stand against our country’s most delicious yet addictive foods, to unite behind a vision for a healthier future. But first, we need a leader to unite us, an American who understands the temptations of our country’s unhealthy and addictive foods, but with the fortitude to resist them. In short, America needs a Pringles chips fan who actually pops… then stops.

Although not every American has tried Pringles, it’s a well-documented fact that Pringles are virtually impossible to stop after “popping” has taken place. Aside from empirical evidence, all Pringles commercials explicitly promote the product’s addictiveness, and since these commercials appear on television, they obviously must be true. Certainly, if a Pringles fan is able to pop then stop, then he/she is well-suited to inspire and lead America to a healthier future.

Skeptics might say that one American does not possess the ability to change the course of our population’s eating habits. After all, even after Subway’s Jared Fogel lost half his weight eating turkey sandwiches, Americans continued to eat Big Macs - and to this day, many men still buckle their belts above their waists to create the illusion of “manginas.” However, I believe, like Barack Obama, that our country is ready for change. I believe that overweight people are sick of being overweight. I believe that when America finds someone who is capable of stopping soon after popping, it will not only be the beginning of the end of American obesity, but maybe, if we’re really lucky, perhaps Jared Fogel will shut up about Subway and enjoy his skinniness in private.

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Americans get lied to all the time - by our media, by our government, and of course, by those infomercials which claim they can provide up six inches of male enhancement. (Utter bullshit, I assure you.) These lies not only translate into a country of less trusting citizens, but an air of hostility that grows thicker with each and every lie: we now resent huge factions of the media, a large percentage of Capitol Hill politicians, and anyone who tries to convince us they can make our weiners even a fraction of an inch longer. Unfortunately, this cycle of lies and hostility will probably not cease on its own. Thus, for the sake of America, we must target and make examples of our country’s most egregious liars: those restaurants that keep up their “Grand Opening” signs long after their grand opening is over.

By enforcing a limit for how long restaurants can keep up their “Grand Opening” signs, America will be taking a firm stance against liars nationwide: if you attempt to deceive your fellow Americans, there will, most likely, be very mild consequences. A new law directed at “Grand Opening” signs will not only be a slap on the hands to offending restaurant owners, but a wakeup call to liars nationwide. After all, if your local Japanese restaurant with the most amazing miso soup you’ve ever tasted is being targeted, then clearly no one is invincible.

It may prove difficult for America to reach a consensus on how long restaurants can keep up their “Grand Opening” signs. It may also may prove difficult to enforce the new law, regardless of how many Americans support it. However, over time, the benefits will be tremendous: not only will Americans be able to trust “Grand Opening” signs once again, but maybe, just maybe, we’ll know that when an infomercial promises up to six inches, we’ll get at least one.

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