With the long awaited “Sex And The City” movie coming out this past weekend, Americans are once again wooed into a fantasy land, protected from the harsh realities of sexual intercourse in our country. Aside from the simple fact that most Americans are ugly (at least relative to “Sex And The City” characters), sex in America is riddled with problems – such as STDs and the possibility of childbirth. Thus, in order to balance out the movie’s idealistic representation of sex, America needs a reality TV spinoff called “STDs In The City.”

Even though America is a relatively sexually unadventurous country, there exist a fair number of carriers (ie, girls who wear pink Uggs, dudes who rock athletic bands on their forearms, and even Senator Larry Craig), who have kept the STD train chugging along. Regardless of whether the “Sex And The City” characters can be categorized as such carriers, the film certainly turns a blind eye to their very existence. While this is probably essential for the film’s entertainment, it’s setting Americans up for future disappointment – not to mention redness and itching.

Perhaps a reality series called “STDs In The City” would be kinda difficult to watch, particularly with the close up shots of genital warts that might roll over the opening credits. But if America continues to buy the “Sex And The City” hype and not be wary of potential carriers, then the STD train isn’t going to be stopping any time in the near future. Of course, if you don’t mind a little redness and itching, maybe STDs aren’t that big a deal.

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America is an incredibly judgmental country, particularly when it comes to evaluating our women. We expect women to conform to certain ideals of beauty that are not only unrealistic at times, but unhealthy, as well. Meanwhile, some of our country’s most non-traditionally attractive women, such as Lois from the Family Guy, never get the attention they deserve. Are we really so elitist to deny that Family Guy not only makes a laugh, but also, when Lois is on screen, gives us a boner? In order to repair America’s harmful ideals and expectations of women, and to satisfy the curiosity of Family Guy fans nationwide, America needs Lois to pose nude for Playboy.

Certainly, many old fashioned Americans might reject the idea of a cartoon character posing nude for our country’s premier adult magazine. They might fear that a cartoon character, particularly one with such a strong sense of humor and sense of self, might distract from the deeper values of Playboy, such as titty. However, America is supposed to be a country of innovation, and if we can’t embrace Lois for all her sexiness, then we’re not only hypocrites, but quite frankly, we don’t deserve to see what’s beneath Lois’ knickers.

As a patriotic American, I want to believe that our country has the ability to value sexy women regardless of whether they are live action or animated. Moreover, call me crazy, but I think Lois might be more sexy because of her animation. I mean, her hair is always perfect, her breasts haven’t sagged despite having two children and hitting mid 40s, and not once in the entire course of the series have we ever seen Lois go to the bathroom. Is there anything sexier, I ask, than knowing a woman never takes a poop?

While America took a step in the right direction with the April 2004 Maxim spread of Marge Simpson, it is necessary for us to now go a step further. Not just because Lois is sexy and deserves to be in Playboy. Not just because you’re tired of covering your boner while watching Family Guy with your friends. But because cartoon characters are women, too, and they deserve America’s respect.

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Denzel Washington is one of America’s favorite leading actors, racking up multiple Oscars over the years and starring in several films that are already American classics. However, Denzel’s greatest stength as an actor does not lie in his believability or even his incredible on-screen presence - it’s his ability to get really, really angry and pound his chest. Over time, Denzel has embraced this ability to a point where most, if not all, of his characters are defined by their anger - and pound their chest at least once or twice throughout the course of the film. Sure, any red-blooded American loves a good chest-pound, but we are currently being deprived of Denzel’s true depth: imagine the variety of films he could create if his characters weren’t angry all the time, but instead happy, or scared, or maybe even closeted homosexuals. Instead of American Gangster, think American Fashion Designer. Regardless of the specifics, for the sake of America and our national cinematic integrity, we need Denzel Washington to play a different character.

America is supposed to be a country of creativity and innovation, and it’s only appropriate for our A-list Hollywood talent, such as Denzel, to embody these virtues. Americans should not ask for Denzel to stop being angry and pounding his chest in one fell swoop, for that’s simply unrealistic, and would most likely create a backlash from Denzel’s core fan group. This backlash, moreover, would only end up angering Denzel and causing further chest-pounds. Additionally, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences currently uses a chest-pound scoring metric to determine whether Denzel’s performances are nominated for Oscars. His recent Oscar win for Training Day, as an example, featured an astounding eight and a half chest-pounds. Thus, if Denzel were to suddenly change his entire repertoire, there would be chaos in both general America and Hollywood, in particular.

However, America needs Denzel to gradually shift to films with more diverse leading characters. He is a tremendously talented actor, capable of producing performances that are not only entertaining, but new and exciting. I am not saying Denzel isn’t currently contributing to the canon of American cinema. I’m not even saying that I don’t enjoy each and every one of his chest-pounds. I’m simply pointing out that if he keeps on pounding his chest, things could start getting a little boring - and there’s a fair chance he could damage his chest cavity.

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The television show Saved By The Bell was an integral part of 90’s American pop culture. Not only did it did provide audiences with a deep understanding for the American high school experience, but it served as a great reference point for the impending sluttification of stars Tiffany-Amber-Thiessen (Kelly) and Elizabeth Berkley (Jesse) - neither of whom even let guys get to second base during their high school years. The show featured the emotional ups and downs of your typical, tight knit group of friends, each member an easily digestible character type, with a black girl and a Hispanic guy with jheri curls thrown in for good measure.

After the gang graduated from Bayside High, a large number of them went onto to the same crappy community college, where America continued to enjoy their antics and general hilarity. While Zack and Slater slacked off and seemed destined to flunk out of school, Kelly and her new compatriots seemed equally stupid, but were somehow scraping by with decent grades. As a whole, the gang from Bayside High seemed destined for post-college unemployment. However, America was tragically deprived of this stage in their lives, particularly unfortunate because so many Americans experience post-college unemployment, and could have benefited from watching the gang struggle and fall on their faces. Thus, for the sake of both America’s education and entertainment, we desperately need one more round of our favorite 90’s high school sitcom, Saved By The Bell: The Unemployment Years.

Saved By The Bell taught Americans many things throughout the series’ tenure: how to cope with the pressures of high school and college, how to treat your friends, and of course, how a laugh track can make everything seem vastly more funny than it actually is. However, Saved By The Bell failed to teach Americans about the dark times that set in when you reach your mid-20s and instead of hanging out with your friends everyday, you’re hanging out with sketchy people from your apartment building, your marijuana dealer, and some drunk strangers you met at the bar who may or may not end up sleeping with you. Certainly, Americans facing their own unemployment years can cope without a parallel Saved By The Bell experience, and have done so for years, but it’s nowhere as fun, and it’s not like the Saved By The Bell cast has anything better to do with their careers. Reality TV, crime dramas, and films where the central character is a stripper aren’t exactly the makings of A-list talent.

Even those Americans who aren’t facing and/or have never faced unemployment would enjoy Saved By The Bell: Unemployment Years. Sure, Americans love watching shows where attractive people have fun and exciting experiences, but we also love when those people slip up and make asses of themselves. Americans still talk about the Saved By The Bell episode in which Jessie Spano (played by Elizabeth Berkley) got addicted to caffeine pills and crashed into a brick wall called “reality.” It was depressing in some ways, but at the end of the day… hilarious.

It’s widely accepted that Saved By The Bell peaked when the gang was still in high school, and I confess there’s a chance that another spin-off would fall flat. But even if the show only lasts one season, at least America’s future unemployed will have benefited: not only will they learn from the gang’s struggles, but they will have something to watch when they’re sitting at home during the work day.

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