America is filled to the brim with show-offs - dudes who drive tricked-out cars with diamonds in the grill, chicks who get breast enhancements with the goal of blue-balling bystanders, and of course, those over-controlling, douchebag parents with bumper stickers that read “My son/daughter is an honor roll student” (Reality check, Moms and Dads. Your son/daughter is probably also suicidal.) But to be honest, the individual American isn’t to blame.

Rather, we should point our fingers, as we often do, at our country’s music industry - for it has consistently promoted and rewarded one egotistic show-off after another. What’s more, if the music industry got America into this mess, it’s their responsibility to get us out. Thus, for the sake of America, we need MC Hammer, whose hit song “Can’t Touch This” set the tone for an industry of show-offs, to finally let someone touch it.

Although recent years have given rise to shit loads of rappers with nothing to offer except a swagger, a few pounds of bling, and hodgepodge of STDs, “Can’t Touch This” cemented the Hammerman’s place at the top of the show-off pyramid. The popularity of the song not only inspired many Americans to try and touch the Hammerman (at concerts, at charity events, even through the television screen), but it directly led to the growth of a show-off culture - to a point where even fat chicks began thinking they were desirable, many of whom constructed wardrobes that revolve around ill-fitting tube tops and gold necklaces that spell out their names.

I am not saying that MC Hammer was wrong to tell Americans that they couldn’t touch it - after all, the “it” belongs to the Hammerman and nobody else. However, if he let down his guard just once and finally let someone touch it, then maybe Americans would follow his lead and stop being such obnoxious show offs. Then, we could concentrate on more important things - like figuring out whether we can find MC Hammer’s ridiculous clothes on Ebay.

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Many Americans, your humble narrator included, walk around with unrealistic dreams of love. They think they are destined to find another person, or group of people, who fully accept them for who they are, who understand every inch of their personality, who say things like, “Hm, that smells nice,” after they’ve let out an audible fart. But the truth is that even when these people are able to realize their dreams of love, they will inevitably encounter complications - and in the end, their happiness will be imperfect, they will still crave something more, their love will not give them everything they need. However, it is not the American’s fault for placing such great expectations on love. We did not create these expectations from thin air. We did not even ask for them. Rather, these expectations were forced onto us from one of our country’s most beloved bands, the Beatles, through their misleading 1967 hit song, “All You Need is Love.”

Starting in the mid 60s, America embraced the band whole-heartedly, and in so doing, put a great deal of trust into what they taught through their music. However, Americans have gradually realized that one of their preeminent songs/teachings, “All You Need Is Love,” is in fact a crock of shit, and has caused much heartache for those who ever believed in it. Thus, in order to make up for this heartache and indemnify both himself and the Beatles, Paul McCartney must admit to the American public that in addition to love, you also need drugs.

Certainly, such an admission could cause a rapid spike in drug use across America. While this possibility might alarm parents and anti-drug advocates alike, it would ultimately lead to a happier citizenry, and over time, we would all be too wasted to really give a shit about the “downside” of drugs anyway. As a direct result of McCartney’s admission, there would be less heartache in America, not as many shattered dreams, and fewer Americans who routinely cry-masturbate to the Beatles’ Greatest Hits. Additionally, America could also expect a decline in divorce numbers: rather than Americans confessing dissatisfaction with their partners, they could simply start tripping together.

Of course, maybe America’s extreme expectations of love are so ingrained in our culture that Paul McCartney’s admission would be futile. Perhaps Americans would continue believing that “All You Need Is Love” even if McCartney wrote and performed a new song called “We Were Wasted As Balls, So Don’t Take Our Songs So Fucking Literally.” However, even if McCartney’s admission only helped helped a single American, then it would still be worthwhile. After all, it may take two people to fall in love, but even one lonely, depressed person can get high.

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