I know I’ve mentioned this one previously, but our prime window of opportunity is now closing! I still don’t want this woman to be president, but damn if America doesn’t need to see her nip.
God. Please. I don’t ask for much. Just one wardrobe malfunction.
Like it or not, there is a fairly good chance that Senator John McCain will become the next president of the United States of America. While there are indeed worse possibilities (Shaquille O’Neal, Hannibal Lector, and Hillary Clinton come to mind), America has the right to know exactly what we’re getting long before we hypothetically ever get it. Thus, for the sake of America, we need Senator John McCain to remove his makeup and reveal he’s a dinosaur.
Although many Americans would contend that the age of our presidential candidates is irrelevant to their candidacy, surely it would be a game changer to learn that McCain is in fact a dinosaur. Just like there are limits on the number of times you can make fun of a homeless person before being attacked, there must also be a limit on the age of our presidents. After all, since the majority of dinosaurs in the world (excluding the hosts of 60 Minutes) are already extinct, there’s a fairly solid chance that McCain could die during his presidency. While that would be cool if the vice president was elected by the people (preferably, the same educated elitists who support the likes of Barack Obama), that’s simply not the case. Rather, his VP will probably be someone who the Republican Party feel is the strongest counterpart to their Presidentosaurus – a gay-hating, gun-bearing, abortion-loving toddler, for example.
I’m not saying McCain could never be a fine president. Hell, I’m not even saying he’s definitively not a human being. However, from my novice perspective, it just seems that McCain bears a stronger resemblance to a triceratops than to Fred Flinstone. Thus, I ask: isn’t about time he took of the makeup and told us the truth?
As the line between entertainment and news has blurred in recent years, American politics - many would contend - has become little more than a popularity contest. Both the American public and media often seem more concerned with the personality and image of our politicians than their stance on key issues. Although there is certainly ample coverage of wars, protests, and key legislative hearings, there is greater interest in the personal lives of our politicians: their spotted histories, their secretive liaisons, and their musings on whether a Hillary Clinton nipple slip would make them even slightly aroused.
Moreover, given America’s emphasis on likability, it is unfortunate that our country’s second most high-ranking politician, Vice President Dick Cheney, is perceived as such a cold and sour asshole. Regardless of whether Cheney deserves this wrap, he’s still an important figure in American government, and as such, is worthy of at least a modicum of our support. Thus, in order to improve our Vice President’s stature, and in turn, create a more unified America, we need a Dick Cheney stuffed animal in the crib of every American baby.
At first, many Americans might not understand the appeal of a Dick Cheney stuffed animal, nor why they should buy one for their baby. When they envision their baby playing with one, after all, they might literally be envisioning the baby playing with a cold and sour asshole - which of course, is only fun for a limited period of time. However, stuffed animals are conventionally a favorite toy of babies, and the Dick Cheney stuffed animal would probably look less like an asshole and more like a mildly depressed version of Santa. After overcoming any initial reluctance, American parents will eventually realize that the Dick Cheney stuffed animal is not only a wonderful, fat, cuddly toy for their babies, but a unique opportunity to sew the seeds of patriotism. Certainly, once these parents (and their babies) embrace our Vice President in stuffed animal form, it will only be a matter of time before the rest of the country embraces him in real life. As a parallel, I am sure that if Tickle Me Elmo were ever to hold public office, he would have the country’s unwavering support.
In today’s America, as we battle job loss, a mortgage crisis, and a multitude of economic woes, we cannot afford for the Vice President of our country to be viewed with such personal disdain. For the sake of domestic unity, we must find the strength to look past our Vice President’s shortcomings; when the Cheney stuffed animal hits American markets, we must pledge to put them into the cribs of our babies. Maybe our babies will be scared shitless at first, but through their suffering, mark my words, they will become patriots.
Even those Americans who are staunch George W. Bush supporters sometimes question the man’s intelligence. Americans often chalk up his Ivy League education as a joke, made possible only because he comes from a family of money and influence - not to mention those rumors that Barbara Bush gave weekly lapdances to the Presidents of Yale and Harvard. Bush may have a great resume behind him, which includes the not too shabby title”43rd President of The United States of America,” but he still has an unpolished demeanor and says things like, “I know the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully.” (Saginaw, Mch., Sept. 29) Regardless of your political affiliation and personal feelings about George W. Bush, America would be well served to find out, once in for all, whether he’s smarter than he seems or whether he’s simply a doofus. In order to make this determination, however, America needs George W. Bush to redo grades 1-10, Billy Madison style.
As in the 1995 Adam Sandler smash-hit comedy, Bush would have exactly two weeks to pass each grade; otherwise, he would lose the challenge and be acknowledged as the dimwit that most people already believe him to be. Although it would probably take a fair deal of goading to convince Bush to return to school, particularly the lower grades where he would be forced to take a nap every day, I am confident that his chief staff members could win him over. This challenge, after all, would provide Bush the unique opportunity to convert some of his toughest critics, and to prove to Jeff Foxworthy, without even appearing on his show, that he is indeed “smarter than a fifth grader.”
Naturally, sending Bush back to elementary and middle school would pose some serious personal safety (ie. national security) concerns for the president. For example, what if he falls off the jungle gym and gets a boo boo? Or alternatively, what if the older kids beat him up for not sharing any of his oil during show and tell? Snack time also warrants extra attention, considering that Bush once lost consciousness (back in January of 2002) while eating a pretzel in the comfort of his own home; if he can’t eat a pretzel while watching a football game, how can he eat animal crackers while surrounded by the pressures of quizzes and duck, duck, goose? However, while these concerns are indeed serious, they do not overshadow the merits of Bush heading back to school, the ability for Bush to prove his intelligence, or lack thereof, with an almost scientific certainty. I mean, it worked for Billy Madison, so there’s not much reason to believe it wouldn’t work for President Bush.
America is a country that prides itself on finding answers to our time’s most difficult questions. Thus, now more than ever, it’s only appropriate for us to ask: is our president smarter than Billy Madison?
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but America’s 2008 presidential contest has become pretty heated lately - on the Democratic side, in particular. Both the Clinton and Obama camps have exchanged blows towards the other’s qualifications and track records. Various Clinton supporters, including her always press-worthy hubby/one man philandering machine Bill, have categorized Obama’s campaign as a fairy tale, made possible only because of his race and oratory skillz. (Bill put the “z” there - not me.) Meanwhile, Obama supporters have went so far as to categorize Hillary as “a monster” and “a woman.”
At this point, it’s pretty obvious that both Clinton and Obama hate each other’s guts, even though they would never admit it. The Democratic party is suffering as a direct result, and something drastic needs to happen in order to change the party’s course. The only solution, as I can see fit, is a Hillary Clinton nipple slip.
Once the Democratic party sees a little nip, they’re bound to lighten up and not take these presidential campaigns so seriously. Sure, a lot people have already invested a lot of time and money into these campaigns, but trust me - a little Hillary nip can go a long way. I don’t care about your gender, race, or even on which side of the political spectrum you reside: left, right, middle, or idiot. When a red-blooded American gets a taste of the forbidden fruit, particularly when the fruit belongs to someone in the public eye, that fruit knocks them over with it’s deliciousness.
A Hillary Clinton nipple slip, as I imagine you’ve realized, carries a few more complications than the average celebrity’s slip. For one, Hillary always wears those conservative, “Take Me Serious, Please,” pant suits, and fluke access to the nipple seems like a bit of a long-shot. To this concern, I counter: sure, a Hillary Clinton nipple slip is more of a long-shot, but the rewards will be that much greater. After all, the more forbidden the fruit, the more delicious.
This brings us to the second complication: Hillary isn’t exactly a fox. Although I confess she doesn’t have the physical attributes that America values most in an attractive woman (ie long legs, clean-shaven armpits, a vagina), what she lacks in physicality, she makes up for in “novelty value.” In other words, even though Hillary is not a fox, she’s an uber-serious, highly-influential American politician - and at the end of the day, that makes Americans more than a little curious to see her nip. It’s like having sex with your old social studies teacher - you didn’t do it because she’s hot, but because she grades your tests and papers, and you knew you’d remember the experience for the rest of your life.
I’m not trying to tell you that a Hillary Clinton nipple slip will unite America’s Democratic party, and magically make America a more peaceful and happy country. But hey, it would be a solid start. Plus, aren’t all we all a little tired of masturbating to Janet Jackson?
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