#37 The Phrase “LOL” To Only Be Used When Laughing Out Loud
In a recent Shit America Needs article, in which I suggested McDonald’s should change it’s slogan to “C’mon, You’re Fat Anyway,” I discussed how Americans have lost a good deal of trust for corporate America. However, this problem extends to peer-to-peer relationships, as well, wherein Americans have become increasingly distrustful of their neighbors, friends, and even local marijuana dealers. Although the exact source of this problem is difficult to locate, it’s likely that it began with small acts of deceit, which have snowballed into something far greater. What’s more, these small acts of deceit most definitely continue to this day, and must be addressed before Americans lose the entirety of trust for their peers. Thus, as the first step in the salvation of peer-to-peer trust, we need Americans to only use the phrase “LOL” when they are legitimately laughing out loud.
Although such a mandate might seem trivial to some, it is essential for our popular abbreviations to set the tone of peer-to-peer trust - particularly as Americans shift towards a dialect that is entirely composed of abbreviations, or
“abreevs.” Within the next decade, after all, I imagine Americans will no longer use full sentences, but just catchy abbreevs created by anorexic teenagers who spend 24/7 on AIM and Blackberry messenger. Additionally, from a pure humanitarian perspective, it is quite hurtful when someone overuses the phrase “LOL” to a point where it’s clear that they were never laughing (or have been completely wasted) throughout the duration of your conversation(s).
Naturally, it would take time for Americans to respect that “LOL” can only be used when legitimately laughing out loud. But when that occurs, peer-to-peer trust in America would be on a steady path towards salvation, and the future of abbreviations would be brighter, and more meaningful, than ever imagined.
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America is a tremendously wasteful society. We throw away uneaten food, we don’t recycle as often we should, and as recent environment enthusiast Sheryl Crowe pointed out, we use more than one ply of toilet paper when wiping our asses in the bathroom - for shame, America. Although not every example of wastefulness can be easily remedied, I can think of one example, which angers Americans on a daily basis, that can be remedied in a synch: the excess number of handicapped parking spaces in lots across the country.
Americans are, for the most part, self-centered assholes. We cut people off on the highway, we don’t flush toilets after we’ve used public restrooms, and at some point in our lives, we’ve all chopped off our friend’s eyebrows and eyelashes while they were sleeping, simply for a five minute chuckle. This self-centeredness also applies to foreign affairs - as illustrated time and time again, and most recently with that cyclone disaster in that random country nobody has ever really heard of. Maybe I’m going out on a limb, but I believe this self-centeredness is partially why the rest of world hates America with such vigor. Thus, for the sake of America, and to bolster our national image in the eyes of the world, we need more Americans to pretend they care about foreign affairs.
American culture is largely defined by our technology - we watch television constantly, we can’t leave the house without our ipods and iphones, and who knows the last time an American had sex with their partner without the use of a battery operated device. With the growth of technology, moreover, literature in America has taken a back seat, and we have become progressively stupider. So stupid, in fact, that we commonly adapt our country’s best selling novels into pornographic films, such as the 2002 indie hit “Harry Twatter.” But in order to restore our intelligence, we must re-evaluate our literary canon within the context of today’s culture. After all, if Americans can’t respect literature, how are we ever going to learn from it? Thus, for the sake of America, as the first step to restoring our respect for literature, we need Herman Melville’s classic novel to be retitled “Moby Richard.”
America is one of the most sexually conservative countries in the world. We have fewer nude beaches, harsher penalties for indecent exposure, and apparently, it’s still considered taboo to make out with your hot cousins on their birthdays. Given this conservatism, it is not surprising that over 90% of Americans claim to not be getting as much “action” as they would prefer. (Note: Data collected from an informal study amongst my close friends.) Meanwhile, not only do many American laws discourage sexuality, but some downright forbid it. Thus, in order to get more Americans the “action” they deserve, and start curbing our country’s institutionalization of “blueballness,” we need the American government to legalize sex in airplane lavatories.
America might be one of the most technologically and intellectually advanced countries in the world, but that does not mean we are without our share of conundrums. Day in and day out, we scratch our heads, full of stress, and face questions with limited answers on the horizon: how do we stop our mortgage crisis? What is the best way to end terrorism? How many weiners can fit inside Paris Hilton’s mouth at the same time? While such questions cause considerable stress to the average American, our country’s most persistent conundrum is not related to our economy, global affairs, nor even Paris Hilton’s oral capacity. Rather, it’s the utter complexity of our country’s most beloved and sacred organ, the vagina. Not only has this complexity screwed up countless romantic, spontaneous, and/or drunken experiences, but it has caused unparalleled stress to the American male public for the past googabiliion years or so. Thus, in order to solve this unfortunate conundrum once in for all, and relieve some of the stress that falls onto the American male’s shoulders, we desperately need God to invent vaginas that glow in the dark.
