Look, I don’t want to be an asshole, but America is supposed to a be a country governed by logic. In other words, there is a reason for things that we do - we set up three branches of government so there are checks in power, we support a fast food industry so that poor people can eat too, and we ignore Africa all together so that we don’t feel guilty about their whole “AIDS” situation. However, for more than a decade, ever since the institution of the WNBA, our reputation for logic has steadily declined. And maybe I’m missing something, but for the sake of America, we really need someone to finally explain the point of the WNBA.

Obviously, the WNBA is a sensitive subject – people with vaginas (namely, women) often get upset when the league is labeled “boring,” “boobilicious,” or “like the NBA, just without talent.” And while all these labels might be politically incorrect, one is still left to question the point of the league. I mean, it certainly doesn’t compare to the NBA in terms of raw competition. And young women can already look up to female astronauts and strippers as role models. What then, I ask, does the WNBA accomplish?

Once again, I don’t want to be an asshole, but I also don’t want America to totally lose its reputation for logic. And who knows? Maybe abolishing the WNBA altogether isn’t the best answer. Maybe we simply need to change their uniforms to bikinis – we might throw up a few times, but the games would still be a lot more interesting to watch.

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Does anybody else remember the good old day of American sports, before they lost their innocence? Basketball players used to have socks up to their knees, boxers never even dreamed about wearing headgear, and football players could beat their wives without any fear of criminal prosecution. Nowadays, however, our professional athletes are greedy sons of bitches, driven by fame, money, and more often than not, steroids. In order to combat this trend before American sports are ruined forever, we need to restore the innocence of the bygone days. More specifically, we need to create a major league for mini golfers.

Although not every American is necessarily a mini golf enthusiast, the sport is widely associated with the sort of innocence that we need to reclaim. From the outset, the league would attract players that did not take themselves too seriously, individuals who simply putt for the love of putting. Of course, assuming that many of America’s youth would become professional mini golfers, there would need to be a rigorous screening process to weed out sore losers, hissy fitters, and last but not least, pedophiles.

Naturally, it’s possible that America would not take the league seriously enough, and it could dissolve soon after it was formed. Moreover, perhaps the league would turn out to be a tremendous waste of money and never influence professional sports to any degree. However, if America is capable of stomaching the WNBA for more than a decade, I must ask: could a professional mini golf league really be such a disaster?

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America has been the world’s melting pot for ages, a place where people from all walks off wife come for better education, greater individual freedoms, and superior lunch buffets at strip clubs across the country. America strives to treat all citizens with an equality of tolerance, regardless of their problems, so long as they are not acting with malice nor harming others. America does not punish alcoholics nor smelly people nor even Carson Daily fans for their misguided ways; rather, we try our best to understand them and help them feel integrated into our society.

However, such tolerance has been absent in our recent dealings with professional baseball players who use steroids. As opposed to accepting these men as overpaid meatheads who like to stick needles into their asses, we have rejected them entirely, banning many from Major League Baseball and seeking criminal litigation with others. Not only have these actions ensured a future of fewer homeruns and high scoring games, but they have failed to address the true problem at hand: some guys simply like sticking sharp things into their asses. And so, for the sake of America’s supposed value on tolerance, we must stop punishing Major League Baseball’s “cheaters,” and instead, create a league exclusively for players who use steroids.

Sure, there are many baseball purists out there who feel that players betrayed the game by using performance enhancing drugs. They contend that the league’s rules are perfectly clear and that those players who broke them should indeed be penalized. Although people of this perspective are not wrong by any means, I am sure that if we threw them a couple seasons tickets, an autographed ball by their favorite baseball team, and one night at a Motel 6 with Barry Bonds’ wife, they would stop complaining and go with the flow. After all, this is not just about protecting the sanctity of baseball; it’s about tolerating men who like to stick sharp things into their asses.

Of course, forming a major league designed for steroid users would carry several complications. Ballparks would probably need expansions, uniforms would need to be tailored for additional room, and the supply of steroids in America would need to be dramatically increased - that is, assuming that young kids and teenagers will follow their role models and start juicing themselves. However, all these complications are well worth the trouble of maintaining tolerance in America. And if any American disagrees, then they don’t belong in our country, and they should get the fuck out as soon as possible.

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