Probably the hottest topic of debate in America is the war in Iraq: some Americans feel that we need to get out as soon as possible, other Americans feel that we need to carefully monitor the situation and adjust our strategy accordingly, and still others, many of whom are high-ranking officials in Washington, “just want to shoot guns and fuck shit up.” Regardless of your personal opinion, the Iraq war is dividing the American citizenry, creating an atmosphere of hostility that’s not only unpleasant but harmful to our nation’s productivity. Thus, in order to curb this divisiveness before its irreversible, and to instill a bit of much-needed levity into the Iraq war, America needs a Girls Gone Wild video that’s set in Iraq.

Although many Americans might question the moral values of Girls Gone Wild, a series in which young, typically drunk girls “flash” their breasts for the camera, the only value of  significance here is fun. Once Americans are able to watch Iraqi girls partying and showing off their goods for free drinks and t-shirts, we would realize that the Iraq war really isn’t so bad. I mean, imagine if CNN’s official death toll in Iraq was only a few times greater than toll of bared boobies. This would indicate that Iraqis are squeezing in some fun, and in turn, Americans could sleep better at night and even have more fun ourselves. Moreover, a part from levity, a Girls Gone Wild video would give Americans a finer understanding for the humanity of the Iraqi citizenry. We already know that they are a a devout and religious people, largely governed by tradition. But do we really have any conception for how much they love tittie?

Given the current state of violence in Iraq, not to mention the clothing regulations for most Iraqi women, a Girls Gone Wild video is no easy feat. However, I am sure that if Americans were to provide enough Bud Light and free t-shirts (and perhaps a glow-stick or two), the video would more or less shoot itself. After all, their country is even more hostilely divided by the war than America, and many Iraqis are probably itching for a good time. Thus, for the sake of Americans, and for the Iraqi people, lets cease fire for a moment and help get some young women to take off their burkas.

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For those readers up to snuff with current events, you are probably well aware that Ahmed Ahmanijedad, the president of Iran, was recently awarded Time Magazine’s Award for Craziest Douchebag of the Year. As president, Ahmanijedad has fueled hatred from Iran’s mass citizenry, done virtually nothing to aid a divided, sickening economy, and solidified hostile relations with countries around the globe through his failure to cease his nuclear build-up and comply with UN regulations. On top of all that, he combs his hair like a nerdy teenage boy. Still, Ahmanijedad clearly poses a threat to the entire world, and America, as a preeminent world leader, is expected (by many) to take action - preferably non-military. Even Democrats agree, America simply cannot sit quietly while Ahmanijedad oppresses his people and bullies American allies. Thus, for the sake of the world, America needs pictures Ahmed Ahmanijedad in a little girl’s dress to surface on the Internet.

One of Ahmanijedad’s many character flaws is that he is a staunch egotist, completely out of touch with reality, yet fully convinced that he is correct in all of his actions. However, if pictures of Ahmanijedad in a little girl’s dress, perhaps a cute pink one with a bow in front, were to surface on the Internet, there is a strong possibility that his ego would be cut down to size. Certainly, he’s one of the craziest “politicians” to ever walk the planet, but could he really think people would respect, much less fear, a grown man who plays dress-up and pretends to pee sitting down? He would be so ashamed of himself, most likely, that he would not only burn his cute pink dress, but his ego would shrink by drastic measures. And if his ego shrunk by drastic measures, maybe he would realize that it’s actually not cool to receive Time’s award for Craziest Douchebag of the Year. Maybe he would realize that being a crazy douchebag is actually a terrible thing.

Naturally, it’s difficult to say with any absoluteness whether Ahmanijedad indeed wears little girl’s clothing and if so, whether any incriminating pictures exist. However, Americans who are familiar with Law and Order and other highly realistic crime shows know that a large percentage of crazy people cross-dress, and more often than not, they love to document their crazy cross-dressing escapades. Does this mean Ahmanijedad falls into this category? No. But I’d be willing to bet him a pair of my sister’s underwear.

As a result of Ahmanijedad’s craziness, there is currently a great deal of tension around the globe. Some Americans believe that we must intervene through any means necessary, while other Americans are convinced we could be instigating another “inessential” war. Regardless of who’s right, as this debate continues, America is becoming increasingly divided, and it’s becoming harder to concentrate on the important things, like enjoying March Madness and keeping an eye out for a Hillary Clinton nipple slip.

Americans cannot predict what crazy shit Ahmanijedad will pull next nor the impact of his actions on countries around the globe. However, one thing is for certain: if pictures of Ahmanijedad in a little girl’s dressed surfaced on the Internet, Americans would, at the very least, have a hearty laugh… and then throw up.

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