#25 Strippers To Start Accepting Quarters
Given the current state of the American economy (in technical terms, “poop”), many Americans have been forced to make concessions - we don’t travel as much, we don’t eat out as many times a week, etc. etc. etc. However, according to an informal study conducted amongst my closest friends, Americans are still visiting gentlemen’s clubs with the same frequency as always. Moreover, we are continuing to spend vastly more money than we can afford, perhaps helping American business/the economy in some justifiable way, but hurting the individual gentleman/gentlewoman in the short term. Thus, for the sake of America, and the economic betterment of the individual American, we need strippers to start accepting quarters.
Although many Americans, such as my mother, might contend that we shouldn’t support gentlemen’s clubs in first place, I believe we must accept them as an inevitable part of our culture. If we can tolerate Carson Daily’s stand-up routine, Donald Trump’s toupee, this endless wait for a Hillary Clinton nipple slip, then we should not only tolerate gentlemen’s clubs, but we should do our best to aid their patrons - I mean, what’s more American than loving boobies?
Of course, aiding the patrons of gentlemen’s clubs might potentially be destructive to the strippers themselves. After all, if patrons are allowed to put quarters, not just dollar bills, into strippers’ g-strings, doesn’t this mean that the strippers (not to mention the clubs) will ultimately make less money? Additionally, wouldn’t spare change be slightly degrading? While these concerns are indeed valid, one must remember that strippers - even American strippers - simply love being naked and do not ever worry about issues like income and self-respect. So long as they can dance around naked and have drunk, horny Americans stare at their boobies, they will - I’m fairly certain on this one - be eternally happy.
I am not saying Americans will reap a drastic financial advantage when strippers start accepting quarters. I am not even saying the advantage will be noticeable for the majority of the population. However, my friends and I have been trying to give quarters to strippers for ages, and to be honest, we’re pretty sick of them throwing the quarters back into our faces - it hurts like hell and it’s a bit humiliating, as well. And so, if not for yourself, if not for America, the please support strippers accepting quarters for me and my friends - we’d really appreciate it.
If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
With great power, comes the great responsibility to not be a jackass. Unfortunately, America has not lived up to this responsibility in recent years, as illustrated by our commitment to blowing shit up in random countries and waving democracy around like a golden penis (previously discussed 
America is one of the most overweight countries in the world. Despite a recent movement over the past decade or so towards innovative diets (ie. The Atkins Diet, The South Beach Diet, bulimia), we continue to become more overweight by the minute. This unfortunate trend not only means more health concerns for overweight individuals, but more Americans who get pissed off when even fatter people sit next to them on airplanes, at baseball games, etc. In order to reverse this trend before it’s too late, America needs to take a stand against our country’s most delicious yet addictive foods, to unite behind a vision for a healthier future. But first, we need a leader to unite us, an American who understands the temptations of our country’s unhealthy and addictive foods, but with the fortitude to resist them. In short, America needs a Pringles chips fan who actually pops… then stops.
Americans are inherently risk takers: we rebelled against the mighty British empire to win our independence, we were the first country to walk on the moon, and in the past eight years, we’ve elected and re-elected a President who can’t even tie his own shoes – not that there’s anything wrong with velcro. These risks, of course, are not without consequences, but as we venture into the future, we must attempt to mitigate the risks (and in turn, consequences) whenever possible. Thus, for the sake of America, before we start pissing off fellow Americans on a mass scale, we need to someone to decide when it’s officially OK to start making Heath Ledger jokes.
America might be one of the most technologically and intellectually advanced countries in the world, but that does not mean we are without our share of conundrums. Day in and day out, we scratch our heads, full of stress, and face questions with limited answers on the horizon: how do we stop our mortgage crisis? What is the best way to end terrorism? How many weiners can fit inside Paris Hilton’s mouth at the same time? While such questions cause considerable stress to the average American, our country’s most persistent conundrum is not related to our economy, global affairs, nor even Paris Hilton’s oral capacity. Rather, it’s the utter complexity of our country’s most beloved and sacred organ, the vagina. Not only has this complexity screwed up countless romantic, spontaneous, and/or drunken experiences, but it has caused unparalleled stress to the American male public for the past googabiliion years or so. Thus, in order to solve this unfortunate conundrum once in for all, and relieve some of the stress that falls onto the American male’s shoulders, we desperately need God to invent vaginas that glow in the dark.
Americans get lied to all the time - by our media, by our government, and of course, by those infomercials which claim they can provide up six inches of male enhancement. (Utter bullshit, I assure you.) These lies not only translate into a country of less trusting citizens, but an air of hostility that grows thicker with each and every lie: we now resent huge factions of the media, a large percentage of Capitol Hill politicians, and anyone who tries to convince us they can make our weiners even a fraction of an inch longer. Unfortunately, this cycle of lies and hostility will probably not cease on its own. Thus, for the sake of America, we must target and make examples of our country’s most egregious liars: those restaurants that keep up their “Grand Opening” signs long after their grand opening is over.
In the past several years, ever since America started bombing the shit out of other countries and waving democracy around like a golden penis, we have lost a good deal of respect from countries around the world. Sure, many still hold us in high regard, but the tides are definitely changing. You know the fat kid in junior high who people watched pick his nose and then flick boogers onto classmates? Well, that’s basically America, except instead of boogers, we’re flicking shit that actually kills people. However, the answer to restoring America’s respect does not lie in more violence, nor diplomacy, nor even a quiet and gradual strategy of isolationism. Rather, we must figure out a way to communicate with the world on a deeper level, to shake countries at their very core and let them know that America means business. In other words, for the sake of America, we need Steven Seagal to raise his voice above a whisper.
America is an incredibly judgmental country, particularly when it comes to evaluating our women. We expect women to conform to certain ideals of beauty that are not only unrealistic at times, but unhealthy, as well. Meanwhile, some of our country’s most non-traditionally attractive women, such as Lois from the Family Guy, never get the attention they deserve. Are we really so elitist to deny that Family Guy not only makes a laugh, but also, when Lois is on screen, gives us a boner? In order to repair America’s harmful ideals and expectations of women, and to satisfy the curiosity of Family Guy fans nationwide, America needs Lois to pose nude for Playboy.
Many Americans, your humble narrator included, walk around with unrealistic dreams of love. They think they are destined to find another person, or group of people, who fully accept them for who they are, who understand every inch of their personality, who say things like, “Hm, that smells nice,” after they’ve let out an audible fart. But the truth is that even when these people are able to realize their dreams of love, they will inevitably encounter complications - and in the end, their happiness will be imperfect, they will still crave something more, their love will not give them everything they need. However, it is not the American’s fault for placing such great expectations on love. We did not create these expectations from thin air. We did not even ask for them. Rather, these expectations were forced onto us from one of our country’s most beloved bands, the Beatles, through their misleading 1967 hit song, “All You Need is Love.”
Probably the hottest topic of debate in America is the war in Iraq: some Americans feel that we need to get out as soon as possible, other Americans feel that we need to carefully monitor the situation and adjust our strategy accordingly, and still others, many of whom are high-ranking officials in Washington, “just want to shoot guns and fuck shit up.” Regardless of your personal opinion, the Iraq war is dividing the American citizenry, creating an atmosphere of hostility that’s not only unpleasant but harmful to our nation’s productivity. Thus, in order to curb this divisiveness before its irreversible, and to instill a bit of much-needed levity into the Iraq war, America needs a Girls Gone Wild video that’s set in Iraq.
